Of Denise,

I only had 2-3 weeks in Hong Kong for the summer after sophomore year, and I wanted to make the most of it, chilling w/ friends and family, eating, and doing stupid shit.  One of the things I did was play basketball with the boys at Wai Yun, getting ass kicked by scrawny chain-smoking schoolboy locals.  Denise, who I thought was pretty cute when Charles briefly introduced us a couple years back, was watching. We started flirting just that day, and I had the feeling we were on the same page, and by the end of the bball game I had asked for her number to hangout later.  And when she said "yesss" in that tone of voice, I had an inkling... just an inkling, that it wouldn't be surprising if we were hooking up within 48hrs... 

Within 48hrs, it was my bday and a bunch of us drank at a lounge.  As the night was winding down and I had as much alcohol as I could to still make the 1.5hr trip back to Taipo, Denise was beside me chatting it up.  Conveniently, she also lived in the boonies and we could take the nightbus back together.  Conveniently, she was too tired to go back to her place, and finally, at the utmost convenience, my parents were on vacation.

The next morning we had a brief DTR (define-the-relationship talk).  We were riding high, so why not "Go with the flow", and where one-night-stands generally come to an end, our relationship started.  The more we talked and hungout, the more comfortable it was, the more I cared for her and our affection.  We kept it going through the school year too, even though we were 300 miles away.  I hate LDs, but really, there was no reason to give it up.  We were goood.

 So what was so goood?  Honestly,  I've never met a sweeter person. Super super nice, it's inexplicable.  Genuine good heart, no bitchiness whatsoever, receptive, patient, and openminded.  and she's so well-liked, she was voted high school prom queen??  i thought only hotheaded bitchy sluts got that.  anyway, what really got to me was that she really cared about me and treated me better than any other girlfriend, by far.  Quality. 

It's kinda funny how the worst and best presents I've gotten both came from Denise.  Before we really got to know each other, she bought me this urban hiphop T-shirt and a super tight white mesh tank top.  I think I wore each for about 5mins before ripping it off, laughing in front of a mirror.  And then later on, I got this Black Nautica winter jacket, which I still wear all the time- my best jacket.  So practical and comfortable.  Oh and I also have the Strungout-Towlie South Park T-shirt that I wear when I'm.. well.. strungout.  haha Denise, you know me too well. 

And every time we hungout, it was just fantastic,  like we just met anew and had such fun and excitement.  The honeymoon phase never ended, all the way until the end... HK, tahoe and the cabin (mm steak and wine), ice skating, magic mountain, vegas, wow.  And we were passionate, hehe.  WOOWW. mmm..  mmmHHH,  aaahaha. 

so what happened? y did the bliss have to end? well, sometimes I still regret it, but what we initially thought was a one-night-stand now became a year-long relationship, and when that anniversary comes along, I get the jitters, I gotta be goddamn sure that this is who I wanna be with for the next coupla years, minimal, cuz if things fall apart, it's only harder to break up later.  that's my thinking anyway, but i'm sure ppl classify that as just "commitment-phobia".  I wished it didn't have to be LD, cuz then we'd have a better gauge about things, so that's partly the reason things had to be.  But really, it seems like I ate my own words and shat myself when I was the one that said "go with the flow" in the very beginning.  I felt like a jackass, and still do, but I still couldn't think of a better solution, even in retrospect.   

so after breaking up beginning of the following summer, i was at the 'crossroads' again.  am i gonna take the path to being single, shun girls, and drink to my buddies?  or how about that path to dating/prowling, in the hopes of finding someone else?  and I realized, if I had to end a perfectly fine relationship with Denise,  I'm in no condition for anything at this point.  So I said fuck the paths,  and walked straight into the fields of whoredom.                                  

Of Jess,

It was the summer before the start of college, when things were winding down in HK, and I met up with Ju and other HKIS friends for a drink at lan kwai.  Sometime during our conversation I look at Jess and I realize that she has changed.  Before then the Jess in my head was that dorky, big glasses, hairy arms, kinda shy but always friendly girl in 7th/8th grade who would sometimes secretly glance at me in honors math class (haha i guess it wasn't very secretive).  But here she was sitting there, pretty.

 And sometime or another Ju foresees that as much as she wouldn't like it, she's pretty sure that I'll go out with Jess.  And i'm like wtf?! no way,  just because she's going to the same college as me, and she had a middle school crush on me doesn't mean shit.  Yea so she's pretty, but i think alotta girls are.  Besides, she is Ju and Daisy's friend.

And then came college, and we hang out a bit, a bit more, and then quite frequently.  Every time we partied, etc. my stomach would churn, both from the butterflies of affection and daggers of guilt.  How did Ju know?  or was it because of what she said, things precipitated?  Why the fuck do I like Jess?  I wrestled this idea for awhile, trying to convince myself it was only a crush.  The harder it took to do this, the more I knew that I genuinely liked this girl.  And by xmas break, after months of wavering,  I decided what I had to do, and asked her out.  

In terms of how special Jess is to me, let me put it this way: I hate the thought of going out with an ex gf's friend.  But the thought of going out with her after having relations with two of her close friends, all within a year, was preposterous. fucking sick.  illogical. doesn't make sense. But in this imperfect world there is one thing that does make sense of things, and that is the stupid L-word. I need not say more.

In my ideal world I see the perfect partner as being.. well.. a partner.  an equal (minus the penis).  a girl around my height.  a girl that can take care of herself. a girl that doesn't need a phone call every minute just to babble some random iterative shit. pretty much the anti-Grace.  and in my eyes, i thought Jess fit that pretty well.  When we were together, we were good friends, a female buddy and more.  I liked just sitting in her Larkin room, just watching her.  We never fought, just chilled.  And even though I was obviously attracted to her, or maybe because I was way above the regular attraction, I personally didn't give a shit about the physical aspect of the relationship, ie. my penis was on vacation- my brain could think clearly and relish the times with her.  (But when you care about what the other person wants, then you kind of act in terms of what she wants, or at the very least what you think she wants.)  So the physical stuff was there,  but surprisingly, she's the only girl I've liked without having the urge of passionate sex.  weird huh?  I felt good not having to be the 'man' in the relationship all the time.  I think that's why we had fun cross dressing.  the whole gender thing was almost irrelevant.  that's how i saw Jess- as a partner. 

But in the real world, there are always complications.  You can't have an equal-w/o the penis because it's the very penis that discriminates between guy and gal.  And I ignored this fact.  Passion is driven by this, which I think our relationship lacked. 

Perhaps this might help explaining.  I grew up associating things, like people, intangible objects, etc.  with colors.  don't ask me why but i just sometimes do.  For instance, Chewy is red.  Judy is yellow.  Howard is brown.  Ju is tangerine.  Stevesha is bright blue.  now i don't know what each color means; there's no good or bad color.   but I think the color is sort of a quick summary of a person that I percieve.  After getting to know someone pretty well, I form an impression inside my head about that person, and possibly after the accumulation of the experiences/interactions I've had with an individual, I see that person in a resulting color.  but the thing is,  when I think of Jess, I think of white.  now that's not a fucking color! I've never seen anyone as white.  Especially after knowing someone for so long, a color naturally forms, like different dabs of paint added to a mixing bowl everytime I form an impression.  To have gone out with Jess for so long and not have a color in mind, puzzles me.  Jess puzzles me.  I always wanted to find those colors, but it never happened.  Maybe I didn't try hard enough, or I was looking in the wrong places or she didn't want me to.  So there were days when I felt so good and happy being with her, but empty at the same time. 

And then summer came, and I wouldn't see her until october.  I spent those days in San Diego, with only a few ppl worth hanging out with, including my dog Spike and FrancisT.  I could feel myself losing grip on our relationship, and I couldn't do anything about it.  And then when october came, Spike, who I grew up with for 11yrs, passed away.  I knew I had to let Jess go too so I broke it off the first day of school.  I lost two companions in one week. 

One of the great things I found in Jess that I'll cherish for life is solitude.  I really do mean this in a positive way.  The first thing I picture Jess doing is sitting at her PC alone for hours, with a smile on her face,  occasionally muttering to herself.  You would think she's chatting with someone or like reading something funny or watching a movie,  when in fact she's just matching her desktop wallpaper color to the same tint as her clothes.  I always awed at how you can just preoccupy yourself like that, alone.  I've always been with friends or family all the time.  It never really occurred to me until that summer how uncomfortable it felt living pretty much by myself.   Over the recent years I've actually learned to appreciate it.  Not doing shit, but enjoying the things around and within me.  I really think you can't be true until you can do that, and I'm glad I saw that in Jess.                  

 Wow this is one somber weblog.  I could talk lengths about all the good qualities in her, and the fun and crazy moments, but I'm tired, and it's all implied anyway.  need not say more.       

i came across this statement on a cheesy website:  

just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other. And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

Of Band Camp

College to me was like summer camp,  like a dorky summer camp like band camp.  Of course i'm overgeneralizing, but some of the first things that come to mind about my college are people that are overly friendly, naive, smart, sheltered, yet crazy when the opportunity comes.  Like the girl that Alyson Hannigan plays in American Pie.  I wouldnt say that that was necessarily bad; it just seemed like that was the predominant theme that I got kinda sick of by the end of freshman year.  Nevertheless, in spirit of the typical college student, I will narrate some memorable events.  Unfortunately they are not as disturbing as sticking flutes up snatches.      

So one time at band camp...a Dirty Malaysian's (DM) desire for 8 cans of tuna left me with a misdemeanor.  It's about 2am on a weeknight, and DM's like "yooo mann,  i'm hungry.  drive me to Safeway so I can stock up on tuna."  So we go, and we get 8 cans of tuna.  On our way back, a police car flashes the lights and pulls us over.  "fuck man, I wasn't speeding."   "what the fuck then."  "shit man, what the fuck."  2 officers approach, one young, the other older, apparently supervising, "you realize one of your headlights are out?"  "Ohhhhh. haha no i didn't. sorry officer, I will fix that."  "ID please"  "hehe here you go."  He returns to his copcar, and we wait.  wait.  fuckin wait.   DM goes "uhh  what the fuck". yea wtf is going on?   "umm, you didn't do somehting really stupid like... give him your fake id."  hahaha.  oh fuck.  i did.  my cousin's.  whoops.  so I call the officer's ass over, "hey.  I'm sorry,  i accidentally gave you my cousin's ID.  here is mine."  confused, he compares the two IDs, "you are not Jeffrey? you sure look like him."  I'm like, "that's because we are cousins."  "well... why do you have his ID then?"  "well,  he visited the other week and he left it with me."  "okayyy" (looks at his supervisor, confused what to do) "why is it in your wallet then?"    "umm,  because a good place to keep an ID safe and not losing it is in a wallet. I'm curious, you don't think I intentionally gave you the wrong ID and then admitted it?"  Officer discusses with supervisor, replies "well.. I don't know what you've been doing with a 21+ id.  maybe you are purchasing alcohol with it. please step out of the car. you have falsely presented an ID to an officer of the law." fuckin campus cop newbie. arghhh #%$!! I get taken out, thumbprinted, cited for a misdemeanor.  luckily it got cleared weeks later.  those bitches.

one time at band camp... my roomy was known as jack-off daniels.  i walk into our room one night, unlocked, and i find my beloved roomy in bed butt-naked, an empty jack daniels bottle in one hand, his schlong in the other,  watching porn on his little TV/VCR 2 feet away from him.  he turns and looks at me, oblivious to what was going on, and returns to his program.  hence the name, Jack-off Daniels.   

one time at band camp...i managed to obliterate the girl's bathroom with 2 lbs of raw fish while hooking up with the dorm health advisor. so before going to a semiformal with my dorm health advisor, we have a nice dinner w/ friends at an all-you-can-eat sushi buffet.  after the 2 hour dinner, we head back to pre-party, but my date decides to ditch me and get ass-drunk w/o me.  i spend the next hour of potential-prepartying wandering my ass to find her.  finally she shows up, shit-faced, ready to dance w/ me.  by then, the dance was well under way, community Blood Alcohol Content rising, and here I was, pissed and sober.  i'm like fuck no, ima go take my time and preparty too. So i disappear with dcho, and we end up drinking for 2 hours.  After 10 or so missed calls and angry voicemails, I show up, hoping she had left the dance in anger.  I see her and she's like "i'm sick of this fuckin dance.  take me home."   We go back to our dorm and when she enters her room, to my surprise, with mountain lion-fervor she attacks my mouth:  aaaRRgHHQ!!!!  In the midst of the primal activity, my stomach becomes queasy.  "Excuse me one second. bathroom"  I get up, casually walk out the door, but then bolt to the girl's bathroom.  Decaying drunken fish meat is about to splurge outa my mouth, so when I open one of the stalls I begin to hurl into where I think the toilet bowl is.  To make a night stranger, there's a fuckin toilet paper roll IN the toilet.  I was so shocked that my last-minute reflexes caused me to divert my vomit's trajectory to the stall wall, and in doing so, I started to laugh.  Once that happened, I couldn't control myself.  I frickin sprayed the stall.  the toilet lid, the floor, the walls, the toilet handle, some even on the ceiling,  fuckin everything BUT the fuckin toilet bowl.  I quickly washed myself up, rinsed my mouth 3x with listerine, and nonchalantly returned to her room.  I did end up cleaning the bathroom the next day, everyone knowing I made the mess, and I'm guessing she was smart enough to figure out when the puking happened.               

one time at band camp... i received another misdemeanor.  this was semi-legit,  in that I was at Exotic Erotic party, trying to sneak into the backdoor, but a private bouncer was being a real asshole saying racist shit to me telling me to get the fuck out. I was pretty smashed and decided to say shit back and all of a sudden cops came and threw me down on the floor and handcuffed my ass.  I enter the backseat of the cop car, ready to go to the station, when a drunk girl enters the car, screaming "what did i do?!!!  am i in trouble?!!!  i miss my parents!!! i wanna call homE!!!"  The officer looks at me, "umm... hey why don't you sit in the front with me,  I think this girl's about to puke."  yea sure I say and move up.  Throughout the car ride, this girl is crying and screaming.  I'm trying to pacify her "dude, it's ok, you were just underage drinking, like everyone else at the party. don't worry."  The cop thanks me, grateful for silence the rest of the ride.  after 3 hours at the station, I get released for being real compliant and even sober enough (still red face tho)  for me to walk out the station alone.   I still get cited for public intoxication, but that got cleared once I went to an alcohol/drugs class, which by the way, only taught me interesting drug facts, reasons why ppl would try them.  silly how the world works.   

One time at band camp... I ate a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts in one sitting.   that was awesome. 

One time at band camp... I ended up saying "what did you say??!!" about 50 times in one night.  I'm chilling with Babak in his room.  I was so gone that whenever I started saying something, by the time I tried to finish my sentence I couldn't remember how the sentence started, which meant I could never finish a coherent sentence.  THAT was how gone I was.  To make matters worse, my listening comprehension was just as bad.  Babak was trying to explain to me something, but I just didn't register.  "whaaaa.... Whha??...  what did you say??!"  Babak, being a patient man, kept on repeating what he had said.  And I kept on repeating "whaaa what did you say?"  After about the tenth time, he tests my reading comprehension by typing whatever he said on his PC screen.  I recognized letters... words... even phrases... but everything just didn't add up because I had a memory and attention span of about 5 seconds.  I don't know who was more unbelievably frustrated.  And finally, I broke the "whaaaa what did you say?" cycle by responding with:

"whhaaaa   what did you sayy?  what if God was one of ussss...  just a SLOB like one of uss..... just a STRANGER on a buss.... trying to make his way hommmme."  If I couldn't read, speak, or listen,  I definitely was somehow able to sing that annoying Joan Osbourne song.  Totally random.  Poor Babak.  and then after repeating that chorus a couple times,  I reverted to the usual "whaaa what did you sayy?"  for the rest of the night.          

another time at band camp... ah screw it. too many hilarious moments.

Of college

I really didn't accomplish anything in college, and I think that's why I miss it.  There really is no other time, unless you plan on being a professional bum, to do absolute jack shit for a couple years and still end up with a nice little diploma that says you can move on in the world and do 'bigger' things.  I was happy to do nothing, and even though I'd occasionally complain about the lame campus, the boring downtown, and the ugly girls, I really appreciate what my school offered- the freedom to do whatever I wanted.  And that was the clear difference between boarding school and college.  The work, the home-away-from-home, the dorms- it's all the same.  Boarding school really was a prep school in that sense, and with all the rules and stuff, it really did make college easier.  With no strict rules, it was like opening the front gates of a prison, unleashing the crazy motherfuckers into the Wild after 4 years of hardcore conditioning in strength (lifting), intellect (used books), and emotion (cellmates).  Ok that was a slight drunken exaggeration, but it makes the point.           

And since I didn't really do much in college, just appreciating the simple things in life, I can pretty much sum up what I did in those 3 years in a paragraph.    Not including sleeping and eating:

Welcome to Stanford. yay. drink. drink. smoke. work and drink. gym. smoke counterstrike (cs).  smoke.  drink. class. Jess. crossdress.  crossdress with Jess.  smoke.  drink and cs.  cs and smoke and drink. cs. class. work.  cs. Jess. cs. gym. drink and smoke.  smoke and drink. --------SUMMER-----------Welcome back.  Jess and I break up.  drink. smoke. drink.  Grace drunken hookup.  cs. cs before finals.  finals.  smoke and drink.  cs.  work.  drink and cs.  late night munchies.  smoke and smoke.  drunken semiformals. trip to LA. finals.  --------SUMMER--------Welcome back.  Denise. work.  drink. work.  class. smoke. research.  cs.  Playstation2 (Ps2).  research. Denise. drink and research.  ps2.  cs.  class. ps2 and smoke.  drink. ps2. work.  movies.  class. Reno. Denise. ps2 and drink, then smoke movies and munchies.  research. class. Ski trip w/ Denise. drink. smoke. drink. drink. Graduation. smoke and drink.

This Life Paragraph is actually pretty accurate, in terms of how I allocated my conscious life.  I'm actually quite shocked how much I (ie. parents) spent on smoking and drinking.  Considering tuition is about $35,000.  3 years it's $105,000,   and since I probably spent 50% of my conscious life in some sort of revelry,  the opportunity cost is about...  $60,000 on smokage and boozage.  dayamn.              

But with all that aside, probably the most rewarding experiences are the friends you hang out with.  Friends make you stupid and silly,  sometimes more than any smokage/boozage could. and friends are the only ppl that can swear at you, make fun of you, and insult you, leaving you feeling completely happy. well that's my definition.  I've noticed a trend where some of the first ppl I meet in a new setting become the best of friends.  I remember the first person I met at Stanford was Hou.  and the first person I helped move-in freshman year was Peter.  (in high school the first person I helped move-in was Byron).  And you never realize,  during that first awkward introduction, what the hell you guys are going to go through the next couple years and beyond.  Like I really wished I could travel back in time, and when meeting Hou for the first time I'd be like "hey dude, u know we gonna be doing some really stupid shit?  like you realize we gonna be watching Zoolander 10 times in 2 weeks, and passing out before the Walk-off every single time?"

So these are just some groups of peeps that have helped me uphold my life motto:   the night is still young...for us youngsters.       

the drawgroup.  it was really kinda random at first how we all got together.  azn guys in the same dorm +one random fuck is about the only common theme i can think of. but damn it's been good.  I think every one of us is pretty different, and we've had and still will have good times.  you have wilson the silent genius/pimp,  mark the forever-struggling premed, peter the metro bodybuilder, his twin Dan (just leave it at that), Joe the econ-whaaaa-mmshockingg, Hou the lazy fuck, and me the fuck nut.

chewy judy sujee.  yea these are some girls that made college precious.  it's always nice to have a female counterpart and talk about non-guy things, like work and christianity, and actually do non-guy things, like not sit on ass and do stuff.  and the crazy orgies we all had on the dance floor were very very amusing.  i look at the pictures and crack my ass up.  when it's your wedding,  i'll be there (if i'm invited of course).  

HK crew-  I knew the start of my 'intellectual pursuit and academic rigor' would have some trouble when I realized that Chaplin, Howard, Gareth, Mike Drugs, and Brian were all around the Bay Area.  It's comforting to have friends from back home around, an excuse to get the hell out of campus for a breather and chill.  and so I am grateful.

Yoni, Babak, Jay and Kevo-  beer and smoke have bonded us, oh and the fact that they are not asian.   haha,  i'm fuckin kidding.  about the smoke. yoni does not smoke. 

And so there are many incidents that are worth mentioning that I simply do not wish to elaborate tonight.  Perhaps another entry will suffice, another day.            

Of Ju,

It's pretty silly how we met, but then again if it wasn't for that I probably still wouldn't know her- and that would be a complete bummer.  The first time I saw her was at the Airport Rave (good opening huh?).  I'm just sitting on the floor with FrancisT in a large glass-walled phone booth.  Ju's pseudo-bf at the time, Nate (bless his soul) is chilling with us at the opposite wall, rolling.   Then all of a sudden he goes on the most frightening trip ever- he goes into an epileptic shock and mumbles "i'm cold i'm cold i'm dying man, i'm dying man." and starts banging his head on the glass.  Now here francis and I are, confused and frightened as ever, not knowing what to do.  But then instantly comes Ju, somewhat out of breathe like she's been dancing the whole time, and nonchalantly nurses Nate like she's just feeding a baby.  Eventually Nate snaps out of it and i'm just like, wow.  Go Mother Theresa.

2 weeks later i'm at club star with everyone, and i am completely gone.  It's about 4am now, half the ppl left already,  and I'm sitting at our table, feeling the music.  Ju's one of the few still lurking around, and she comes up to me, never talking to me once, and asks something on the order of, "can I see your shoes?"  I'm like sure, ok, u weirdo, and she's doing something to my feet I don't know what.  But then the song ends and I realize I gotta piss so as I walk to the bathroom I almost trip because she just tied my shoelaces together, like quadrupled knotted the damn thing.  I finally reach the urinal, semi-hopping, and I'm thinking to myself, did she just do that?.  I hop back and sit next to her and prop my legs on her lap for her to untie my damn shoes because I am completely helpless now. We get alittle comfy and suddenly we're lying across the table booth seats cuddling.  She was my soft gummy bear.  And I was her "warm sweaty milk bottle".   haha, weird, I thought it woulda been the other way around.

And then the cetop incident occurred a week later, and by the end of the night I've realized I really like Ju and even tho I'd only see her for the remaining 2 weeks of summer, we made the most of it.  I really wasn't expecting much once she left, not because I thought it was a stupid summer fling, but because 1) I only recently met her, 2) she's going to a far away place, and probably the major factor for me, 3) she never really dated before.  Anyway, a couple weeks later she calls me from school and she's crying.  Lemme guess, I say, you hooked up with someone.  Maybe because I knew it was gonna happen, maybe even more that at the time I was happy drunk at Octopus Bar with my buddies, or maybe even more I knew the fact that we missed each other but couldn't do shit about it- that I was pretty cool about the whole thing.  Call me cold, realistic, or even jaded, but it really didn't piss me off.  I guess I knew it's just one of those wrong place wrong time again.  Proximity has never been a blessing.

The reader might say this whole likey-likey thing is all baloney.  I mean come ON, i only hungout with her for 2 weeks (meeting her while high) and it was just a mutual opportunistic fling.  And say, hypothetically, when I did see her later on, flames rekindled and it was like that summer all over again.  The critic would still think it's because we've never left that fling-mode, never really hungout long enough to know each other's imperfections, dirty habits, incompatibilities etc etc. 

But then digest on this:  why is it that I've never met another girl that worships Zoolander like me.  I don't know anyone else that likes 4 fuckin eggs in his/her mooncake.  or laugh at the same stupid jokes that i do. or make fun of stupid ppl.  or feel comfortable when we both check out guys and girls and think nothing wrong of it. i guess that's it. comfortable. is that what ppl value most in relationships? i'm still figuring that out.

in any case, i'm glad to find a girl as eccentric as I am, and I can always appreciate her company anytime, anyplace.  Never seen a girl freak out about cockroaches that bad. or break up with a guy on the 3rd day because of a toothpick.  yes, literally a fuckin TOOTHPICK.  Or have a warm, loud, earthy laugh (can't really describe it).  And with little hamster teeth, lizard tongue, and a strangely cute Dot-like face (Animaniac), she simply intrigues me. and makes me laugh.  in a good way.